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Hello. It’s Deborah LeeAnn, and it’s been a few weeks. It’s time to come out of the closet, or come out and share with you what’s going on. I am feeling very much like the tentative little shoots that we’re seeing showing up with the spring bulbs, the tulips, the daffodils, the hyacinths – which are not blooming yet but they’re green leaves are poking through. They’re strong. They can handle it when we get snow like we have in the last 24-48 hours, and don’t seem to mind the cold weather, the ton of rain, the wind, or everything else going on in this lovely Spring weather.
So how are you? Are you feeling tentative? Are you feeling like you’re ready to leave behind Winter and get fully into the place of Spring? I am not sure I am there yet, and Spring equinox is not too far away. I have been enjoying this Winter and the hibernation mode I have been in. From that, I think from that really deep, slowing down, I’ve had my fair share of revelations, downloads, connecting to new spiritual guidance, and my own magic – really deepening into an appreciation of what makes me me. The more I fall in love with me and all that I am, which is light, dark, and everything in between, the more I am in love with what is. The news as it comes through doesn’t seem to jar me as much. The more I see that I have a choice on how to react to the news, that I can look at it as instead of the sickness that I look at, I look at it as, “Wow. This is kind of like when you have the flu and right before the fever breaks you feel so horrible, and then you fall asleep and the next time you wake up you’re amazed at how great you feel.” I feel like we’re in that space of paying and falling apart of what has been, and it’s just uncomfortable. Since I have been getting used to what it feels like to be in discomfort, I am more and more realizing that this is the new normal. I asked for it. I don’t want to stay still, stagnant, and basically dying on the vine. I am my happiest and in my most creative and feel like I am contributing and showing up the most me when I am in the place of growing, discomfort, and leaving behind what was – the comfort zone.
I am just curious if anybody else is going through this quickening, which we used to use as a term when you first feel the movement in your womb space when you’re newly pregnant. It’s the first time I remember feeling that flutter of life inside of me. We called it quickening. That’s what it feels like to me now. I feel like I am in this place of quickening, and it’s giving me the courage to keep moving forward. There’s something more that’s calling me forward, and I am opening my arms and running towards it, and I don’t really know what it is yet. I do know that there are some things that have to fall away though, and I am sad about that. A lot of time and effort that has gone into developing workshops and programs, and I don’t know when and if I will offer them again.
I was just asked that again today, and to be honest, I don’t know. I know that I will respond to a need. That is something that I am much more comfortable in, versus putting something out there and saying, “You need this.” That isn’t my way of marketing anymore. It hasn’t felt right, and I’ve continued to do it because that’s what all the business coaches tell you to do. It’s not my truth anymore. If I am all about authenticity, and showing up in my most real and true fullness, my full, whole integrity, I need to honor that. Because my discomfort then was showing up in the marketing, in my messaging, and in my reaches online, whether they be email or Facebook. Everything was kind of falling flat. I’ve realized, especially since I’ve started putting out the word for this free event tomorrow of the International Day of Women, which by the time you hear this will already have passed, but it feels so amazing to be a part of something that is big, global, and changing the world, that will be connected in a worldwide meditation that we’ll all be sharing at our own times through our day – because it’s already started for many of my sisters around the world. They’re already experiencing March 8th, where today, here, it’s still March 7th.
So what I am wanting to say is that there’s something that’s calling me forward that’s on a bigger scale, and when a friend said that to me 3 or 4 weeks about, “You know I really see you working with global leaders, with big thought leaders, with change agents, with the CEO’s that are driving change around the world, and I’ve always wondered why you choose to work with these smaller solopreneurs and wanting to make them be your audience, your clientele, because there is a disconnect there. You have this big view of the world and connecting it in a way that not everyone is ready to play in – they’re not ready for that playground.” Her words hit me in a way that it was truth, but it was almost like somebody also knocked the wind out of me. It was truth that I knew, but when someone else said it, it gave it a lot more credence, validation, maybe I believed it even more because I was being seen in a different light. I agreed. I said, “You’re right. I am ready for something bigger and I am setting my sights in that direction. I have already written it and declared it to be so.” The very same week, I had a conversation with a woman about a large project, for me it’s large, but it is spanning a group of women leaders who are each bringing their own places where they want to bring forth change, create change, whether it’s in environment, women’s health, sex trafficking, or feeding the hungry. It doesn’t matter. They each have their own passion, but they’re aerating on a big, collaborative leadership scale, and this feels so good to my system. This is something that I am willing to come out and share with you with courage and with a true conviction because I know this is where I am meant to serve. My gifts, wisdom, training, and experience has led me to this place. I called it in, and it’s funny because she even said that after we talked the first couple of times. She said, “You know, I feel so excited like this is divinely inspired that we’re to work together. I am wondering, did we call you in, or did you call us in? Who found whom?” It doesn’t really matter. That’s the playground, that’s the magic, that’s the kind of divinely connected clients that I want to work with. Those that understand me, where I can be the most me, they get my language, they understand what I bring forth in a way where I don’t have to change my words around. And this feels really good.
When we had additional conversations and we’re narrowing down the focus and getting the pricing and all of that, it now feels safe to say that I’ve got the project – but what allows me to feel like I am courageous and awakening to all of this is the fact that it is a signed deal now, but it also is the direction that I am going in. I am going to share that on a big scale. It’s scary for me to say that. I love working with solopreneurs. I love working with women who are struggling to find out how to shine their light and where to best serve. And maybe because of my story of how I’ve gotten to this place, I will always work with those women (and men). Yet, where my heart is really being called is in this beautiful group dynamic where bigger things can happen, because it’s a synergy of collective leadership that are all here to do big change around the world. The fact that this group does have people outside of the United States, that’s even more yummy to me, because I actually am touching places that are on a bigger scale. I am curious where this will take me.
The other thing that happened that same week, which is really, really funny is I had a women Facebook friend me and then reach out on messenger saying she was a coordinator of a conference in Hong Kong, and would I be interested in speaking? They didn’t even have a leadership track at this conference at the time. I did go ahead and send something through for women in leadership, and my view of the unique challenges they face, and an example of what kind of speech I could provide for them – so I did apply. That’s still in the decision-making process, but the funny thing is these things happened within a few days of each other – AND that conversation with a friend who said, “I really think you’re playing too small,” AND me acknowledging and opening my arms, my mind, my heart, and my soul to bigger work.
It’s still very tentative, all of these little things that are not going to happen for a while. I probably won’t see the flowering of any of this stuff until the summer. However, those roots are growing at a very fast rate. They’re reaching deeper underneath the ground to get all of the nutrients to create the buds that will turn into the flowers that will be so beautiful in the next few months. That’s how I feel. I feel right now that I am getting ready to be ready, and that I am excited, eager, and putting all of my energy into where I am going and what I am becoming. The little niggling self-doubt, inner critic, and other parts of me that want to play the small game, hold me back, and want to point out this, that, and the other in terms of metrics or numbers or whatever, I am not choosing to let that power hold me back. I am not choosing to tune into that old radio station of what was because I am tuned into the potential of where I am going. I am tuned into tomorrow FM, or the becoming of me FM – that radio channel is what’s calling me forward, and it’s a much more delightful place to play, because I can feel the energy shift in me. When I wake up in the morning knowing what I get to play with, do, create, or be today in service to this bigger vision, it feels light, creative, playful, full of wonder and curiosity, and it feels way better than it was feeling a few weeks ago when I would wake up and think, “Oh…today is the day I have to do this, I have to write this, I have to get those e-mails out, I need to respond to so-and-so,” whatever. It was such a reactive place, and if I am here to talk about conscience leadership, and leading from our creative and our full source of intelligence, then I really need to model that, don’t you think?
So that is my message for you today, is to see where you’re playing small and imagine that you could play bigger, maybe even 10 times bigger. That’s a lot easier to imagine than twice as big. Twice as big seems harder, but 10 times as big – that sounds like fun. Maybe it’s because it’s such a playful, imaginary, world kind of dreaming space. It doesn’t call forth nearly as much as my mental chatter of, “Ridiculous. That’s not possible.” Blah. Blah. Blah. I don’t know what it is, but I am going to play there and that’s what I am going to do, and I am going to send those tender little roots down deeper into the nurturing of this, the grounding of these plants that are growing right now at a huge rate. We just can’t see it very much from up above. I am trusting and knowing that this faith in my vision and in the work that I am here to do by being the most me is going to continue to guide me. Wow. I said that. I actually said it out loud.
Trust yourself. Listen to yourself. Imagine yourself in the growing and the becoming that you are. We’re not meant to be everything all at once. We have to have the downtime of Winter to prepare. We need the Spring to start the preparation of our growth. We’re not ready to flower maybe quite yet. Or maybe you’re in full flower mode – then awesome – and then preparing for what does that look like? What’s the bounty after the flowering? What fruit comes forth? Then how do you harvest it and go into a fallow mode and allow that downtime to be the natural cycle of you and your business? I am honoring that within me, and I am asking you to honor it within you.
So until our next time and our next conscious conversation on what it means to be an authentic leader, lover, and liver of this life, let’s stay in connection. If you want to let me know how you feel about this, send me an email, respond to the newsletter, check in with me on Facebook, on my website, YouTube, or wherever you find this message. If it resonates with you to share it, I invite you to do so, because more of us women need to come together and know that we’re not the only ones feeling like this, feeling like we’re in between two worlds. What we were doesn’t fit anymore, and where we’re going is calling us but we’re acting in a place of not sure. How can we have more trust and faith? That’s the delicious part, and that’s the question. Staying with the question and the wonder and the trust. I am authentically yours, Deborah LeeAnn. Take good care.