Have you ever woken up in the morning and just wanted to cancel the day? Feeling off and not in the mood to talk to people, go about with work responsibilities, even go for a walk? All things I enjoy normally!
That was this morning. And, I had an exercise appointment, a blog deadline, incomplete and overdue responsibilities of editing some podcast episodes, and prepwork for a debrief! Ugh. It all felt too much.
Having gotten the vaccine a few days prior, I wanted to blame it on that. And, not wanting to go to exercise (which I typically enjoy as a way to kick off my week and day) felt like honoring my physical system by NOT exerting myself.
When I shared this with my partner, he replied, “you know you’d feel better if you go.”
Not what I wanted to hear! I wanted sweet approval of my decision to listen to my body. Not to be called out for wanting to not feel the way I felt.
So, cranky and out of sorts, not getting the “approval” I was seeking externally, or a “pass” to stay in bed, I went back upstairs and sat thinking about what I did want.
This is the process my mind followed:
- I enjoy the process of getting the podcasts completed and published, learning the new software and the sense of creative accomplishment.
- I also enjoy sharing my musings by blogging.
- Guiding clients through their debriefs of their Leadership Circle Profile results is often very rewarding, though lately they’ve been sensitive and complex.
- What was my body needing? That wasn’t clear. To NOT do anything?
That’s it. I realized. I am not allowing myself to be the complex and messy ALL of me.
Just like the recent Equinox, I was the sum of all the inner turmoil of the growth and shifts I’m in the midst of. This feels awkward, like I’m not balanced, and my body is moving at a different pace than my heart and head.
So, a walk, in silence, is what I desired. It’s easier to hear when I slow down and tune in.
I got dressed, called the gym to reschedule for the next day and as I was putting on my shoes, informed John that I was going to go for a walk. In silence. I needed to allow my spirit to lead and inform me and help with this transitional discomfort. He agreed to go with me.
The deep need to be in silence has been calling me. I speak to it and emphasize it, actually, in the Equinox Contemplation I hosted live on YouTube, yet, what had I done all weekend? Focused on fixing, editing, publishing, connecting, sharing, learning, laundry, cleaning, etc. Not on downtime, slowing down, pausing to be in stillness and silence. To Listen.
I talk about dropping into the Schumann resonance, Mother Earth’s heartbeat, to receive the electromagnetic energy and be nourished. Yet, it’s so much easier to talk about, than do. Actually Be.
So, here I am, owning up to my own “need” to read news on my phone, play puzzle games or get lost in work-related reading or meetings. It’s an addiction, I believe.
My phone is such an excellent tool, it reminds me to take walks when it’s been a few days since I’ve logged enough steps. It also now tells me how much I sleep and how much screen time I have each week. EEK!
That was a wake-up call.
If I added the phone time to my computer time, to the streaming movie time on another screen, I’m not a very good example of walking the middle path…of being and doing. Of contemplating in silence to listen to the ultimate in creative entertainment and inspiration, Spirit. Of balancing the constriction or numbing that happens when I’m pushing away the Flow of Life and trying not to feel it.
So, back to the basics for me. Morning spiritual practices to tune in. More walks in silence to hear the birds sing and my footsteps on the Earth. A timer on my phone to track my reading and game-playing and scrolling through social media.
When I slow down I’m able to show up to life, fully. I know that. And I feel better too.
And, a huge hug of appreciation for the messiness of being Human. Gratitude for the hum of anxiety I feel both within and in the Collective, AND for the beauty of spring’s blossoms, the serenade of birdsong, and the warmth of the sun and the cool breeze of the season available to see, hear and feel. For the excitement of growth and new beginnings and the uncertainty and uncomfortable sensations of moving into a new phase. We are all BeComing. Re-Membering. Up-leveling, and expanding. And, it’s all good. It’s why we are here now. To lead, love, and live with all of the radical human emotions and thoughts and feelings.
So here’s to growth, newness, holding it all, and allowing it to be as it is. First step is to ALLOW. Then I’ll work on ACCEPTANCE. Finally, getting to EMBRACING these uncomfortable shadows, reactive patterns, painful emotions as all reminders of my divine imperfection and divine perfection. All of me.
Thank you for being you and for allowing me, holding me, as I am me.
I see you…I am you…I love you!
For me, these past few months have been quite a ride. Deep into the netherworld of shadow, grief, and depression, mixed with highlights that were blissful, serene, and overflowing with gratitude and loving connection.
It’s been about sitting with all of me. The whole messy, radically human Me. The beautiful, creative, and wise Me. And all of the in-between parts as well.
So, entering June is going to be my foray into a new sort of Balance. Not completely 25% Heart, 25% Soul, 25% Mind and 25% Body…more of a sense of a grounded weeping willow tree, waving in the wind, dancing with the sun, and sharing my branches with wildlife…being in service as a beautiful shade tree.
Balance for me is what my chiropractor said was the problem when I had my first visit with her last week. Starting with an old injury that was brought back to life from my car accident last December, the pain in my left should shot up into the base of my skull, and down into my sacral and hip joints. So yes, physical balance was called for to allow me to soften and unwind the tightness and inflammation stored in my body.
Then she mentioned that there was emotional trauma there that had made it deeper and wound more deeply into my psyche. I had been angry and sad, felt guilt and shame for looking away from the windshield to turn off the news that was upsetting and missing the split-second chance to that could have allowed me to brake and stop before the impact. I blamed myself for being irresponsible, not paying attention, hurting myself, and causing so much trouble for myself and the others involved. That didn’t help…
Spiritually and energetically, I’ve been so deeply in the depths of lots of emotions these past few months, feeling out of control, distrusting of self and the Universe, and God to support me through this evolutionary time and wanting desperately to feel in control. Which, of course, I am not able to stop thinking or feeling the anxiety when I spend time there.
This put me into overly masculine, logic-brained mode…which cuts off connection, compassion, and creative inspiration. Or, I would fall into the old paradigm of feminine helplessness, despair, and feeling unable to do anything…
So, hence the desire to focus on Balance. A way of aligning and grounding into the wholeness, the integrity, the strength of Who. I. Am. Right. Now. And, guess what? That is a beautiful blend of intellect/intuition, relational and interdependent connection, spiritual Oneness and my own Light, and physical strength and wellness.
It feels more resourceful. I feel more resilient. The world appears my hopeful. And Life is more beautiful and flowing with Grace.
If you are unable to tap into the Center of Presence, Peace, and Purpose, here’s a centering practice you might try…I’m looking to practice this a few times a day until Equanimity feels more the norm instead of the exception. I invite you to find that practice for yourself and let’s keep shining our Light! The world needs us all now. Especially when we are integrating our whole and brilliantly complex selves.
Exploring Mother and Feminine Energy, and the Desire to Problem-Solve
It’s a constant itch for me. To solve the problem(s) at hand, or search for one in need of solving!
Are you a Fix-It Person too?
When looking for the history of the phrase, “Necissity is the Mother of Invention” Wikipedia showed me this:
“the basis of invention is science, and science is almost wholly the outgrowth of pleasurable intellectual curiosity.”
And it’s not easy to sit still, feel the itch and not scratch it. When is it OK to let it be? When is it best to feel the comfort of scratching, knowing that it may make it worse?
Let’s dive in…as always, I would love to hear from you your insights, thougths, questions and comments. Respond here or with me directly at Deborah@DeborahLeeAnn.com.
My mom didn’t strive to be SuperMom. She stayed home, cooked our meals and was there when we cried or needed something. Yet, she suffered in silence, in her own way, living a life that wasn’t fulfilled.
I was a stay-at-home Mom for most of my daughters’ elementary school years, and I did attempt the SuperHero status but never quite got there. Not for lack of trying and reading and adopting many parenting books’ advice. Yet other Moms thought I did an amazing job! They saw the clean house, the smart happy children, the home-cooked meals, lunches and knew about the weekly date night out with my husband and were wowed. Little did they know what went on behind the scenes.
I was overly busy – using a jam-packed social and volunteering schedule to keep me constantly on the move. Not playing with my children. Rarely taking the time for my inner musings, creativity or spiritual practices. And, when one of the girls woke up sick, I was totally thrown off-course, having to rearrange my life to make time for staying home with my daughter.
Where did I learn about the sacrifice I thought my life had to be as a Mother? Yes, we do need to be caring, available, attentive, nurturing…yet, not forgetting about ourself in the process. I thought the more I did, the more my children would learn that Moms can do it all. Is that the legacy I wanted to teach them? Now, that Iook back, I’m not sure.
Let’s dive in…looking at Motherhood with a new lens. Being true to ourSelf first and foremost.
Every time our mother laughed with joy, we got the benefits of that chemical spreading through our body too! Her heartburn made us feel some discomfort, and when she experienced trauma from an argument or grief from a tragedy, we got a layer of that emotional wounding as well.
It makes sense that we learned to know who we were based on Other’s (especially our Mother’s) energy or sensations. Now, I believe it’s time to reclaim our own sovereignty, stand in our wholeness, and fully live with our own power.
Join me as I unravel some of this for myself and, possibly, there’s some wisdom-sharing for us all.
Thanks for listening, I love sharing where I’m at, what feels up for many of us, and learning more as I do so!